The Mommy I Didn't Intend To Be

i always wanted to be a mommy. But not only a mommy, a supermommy. i wanted to be the mommy who held her baby just enough. Who had my baby sleep trained and sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. A mommy who had the kitchen always clean, the laundry always caught up, and dinner always homemade and ready when hubby got home. i thought that i would be the mommy who had a perfect schedule, who kept everything organized, and who had a happy baby.

Well, i have a happy baby! Which i think is the most important thing on that list! He is happy. He squeals with delight all throughout the day, gives me lots and lots of smiles and giggles and loves to cuddle. and i love to cuddle him.

During pregnancy i read all the "right books" and had it all planned out. But God had another plan in mind. He knew that i needed to finally be broken of my "control" - something that i've been trying to do myself for years (you see? controlling). He knew that i needed this little baby, my baby C! He knew that he wouldn't be a baby that could be put on a perfect little schedule. He knew that baby C would be a big eater and one that would need to eat more often on mommy's milk. And He knew that this mommy's heart couldn't take the "cry it out" method. But i didn't. i planned for a textbook baby...one that would do what "the books" said. One that would do what was on the above list....

Now this isn't about judging anyone. This isn't about saying which mommies are right and which are wrong. This is about doing what is right for you. If my mommy's heart can't take the cries then i know that i must pick up my baby, hold him, snuggle him, and let him know that everything is alright. i also feed him when he is hungry. i don't watch the clock, i watch him. i listen to his cues and i do what i need to do. This was a learning curve for me, but i have learned that this is what works for us. i may not get much done some days, but i get a lot of cuddles and smiles and that is what matters to me at the end of my day.

~*~

i have been reading a lot about "attachment parenting". It is a type of parenting that i wanted to avoid. Why? Well, i had read it would spoil my baby. All the "right books" said that i would be creating a monster....one that would be dependent on others and need me too much.

Well, that ended quickly. i slowly started becoming one of these parents i was trying to avoid being.

When we brought baby home he was on a demand-feeding schedule. i fought so hard to get baby C out of his bad habits that were created in the NICU that i wanted to feed him as much as i could. It was frustrating at first, but i realized how much this was important to do and i wanted what was best for us.

Another thing i began doing was co-sleeping. It was for my sanity! Once baby was strong enough to eat while i slept, i let him! i would put him next to me in bed, let him eat, and i would fall back asleep. Before i knew it, it was morning and we were both in bed - together. Today we still end up co-sleeping throughout the night. He starts out in his own bassinet, next to our bed, and then i pick him up when he is hungry and if we both fall asleep, we both sleep!

i discovered that i was doing what other parents do who follow "attachment parenting". i was so quick to judge before i had baby C and now i have realized that it is the parent that i've become. it is what works for us. And what i have created is a happy baby and a happy mommy. i feel good about our days. i feel close to my baby. And i'm not regretting anything.

Like i said, this isn't at all to judge others. But i want to get the message out that as mommy's we should never feel guilty about how we parent our children. We all have that maternal instinct. We all have that mommy's heart as soon as we know that we are carrying our baby. We become the mommy that God intended us to be - and this is not something that we should ever feel guilty for. My instincts told me to parent my child in a certain way. i listened to my heart. i listened to my baby. As long as i feel good about the way i'm raising my baby i know that it is what is best for the both of us.

i hope that all mommies can find their comfy momma styles. i hope that we can uplift one another and understand that our mommy hearts are all united. We all have the same purpose - to raise our babies to be happy!